Despite the fact that I am so sure these IUIs won’t work for me, I still find myself fixating on the details. This is surely a sign that I continue to hope despite myself, instead of a reminder of my reflexive neurosis.
Enter this week’s obsession: I have been convinced that we inseminated too early. This gnawing suspicion was deepened in the last few days during which I had progessively copious amounts of EWCM and all of the signs of ovulation, 3 days afer IUI. Now, I know that fertility drugs can make CM unreliable but it usually in the opposite direction (dry it up). But, I also know that once you ovulate, your progesterone makes it creamy, etc, etc, TMI and all the rest.
When I called the clinic, I got the canned ‘If X, then Y speech’ in which the nurse told me such signs are ‘unreliable’ and ‘we know that follicles grow at 2mm/day and if you at a 14mm follicle on 3/2 then by 3/5 your follicle would have been 20mm and ripe for the trigger.’ I accepted this explanation and the insinuation of my inherent (infertility) neurosis but hung up feeling so frustrated and powerless. I know that my antecdotal experience doesn’t mean much in the face of science but could I have a least an ounce of recognition for knowing the body I have lived in for 33 years?
Half an hour later, the NP unexpectedly called. Apparently, the nurse had a nagging doubt because she sought out the NP who, in turn, told me that, yes, it is very possible that my follicle didn’t develop at the usual rate (typical for me even on Clomid) and, if immature, would not have been triggered by the Ovidrel shot. She also said it is possible for estrogen levels to remain high for a few days after ovulation so EWCM would not be impossible. She offered for me to come back for a luteal phase blood test because it could be ‘helpful information’ about when I did, in fact, ovulate. I liked this option, even if it meant another appointment.
At this point, I don’t know whether to feel vindication or depression. I would actually prefer for the clinic to be ‘right.’ Of course, I would also prefer for this to be an exact science with concrete steps and outcomes. I would prefer to not be going through this at all. I settled on relief at feeling heard and validated and called it a day.
Ever since I googled ‘artificial insemination’ early on and found myself among websites for farmers breeding cattle, I cannot see that word without a dark chuckle. At least ‘alternative insemination’ makes me think of cows swathed in rainbows, and maybe leather chaps (which would, of course, be wrong on so many levels) cruising at a pride parade before swinging by the farm to be bred.
To be clear, I don’t think of my journey (or anyone else’s) as bovine in any way, but every so often I am struck by the language we have to describe this process. It’s amazing that such an intense journey has such clinical language as it’s badge.
But, I digress-mostly because I was, in fact, inseminated today. Clomid IUI round #2.
I’ve launched myself into full distraction mode. I have been really excited since joining the board of a local organization serving at-risk youth that pairs students with local photographers who serve as their mentors and giving them opportunities to exhibit their work around town. We have an annual auction coming up in the fall and I have thrown myself headlong into helping organize it. Check them out, they are fabulous: www.focusonyouth.org
Also, I have now added quilting to my list of random crafting hobbies and made my first baby quilt. This started out as a gift for a friend but I significantly enjoyed both the process and outcome and, thus, have decided to keep it. I have a lot of superstitious angst about having baby things for our yet-to-be conceived baby. However, much like Raul, the decision to keep the quilt means allowing myself to believe that our baby is not an ‘if’ but a ‘when,’ even if the exact ‘when’ is unknown.
The lighting in the room is a tad yellow, but you get the picture:
Nothing! Well, not nothing. I’ve had some mild headache/nausea this week and wierd mini hot flashes but that’s it. No crazy mood swings, nothing overwhelming. I am taking a pretty low dose which probably explains it but I am so relieved to not have any added intensity this week. Through a combination of bureaucratic issues, low morale, and increase in both caseloads and acuity, my job has been running me ragged. I am doing my best to stay relaxed but you know how that goes. Telling myself repeatedly, “You have to stay calm!”, isn’t as soothing as it sounds. Last weekend, we had actually had sun (!) and moderate temperatures and I spent the whole time outside with friends doing lots of hiking, talking, distracting…. That seemed to work well. I’m relieved that another weekend is dangling in front of me and the days until my mid-cycle scan are dwindling. Hooray!
And now, a lovely, distracting memory of snowshoeing last weekend: