Nobody likes you, endometriosis.

It finally came, and with a vengeance.  I have had cramping for the past 2 weeks, expecting my period to come any time and it arrived a week late, ushered in by unbelievable cramps and a flood of emotion and tears. Uncharacteristically, I spent the whole night under the covers.

Went in for a baseline u/s this morning and learned that I have managed to grow 2 cysts in my R ovary in the last few weeks. This may explain the delay in my period and the extended discomfort. The bad news is that one cyst appears to be an endometrioma (well, that was quick).  The (semi) good news is that the other appears to be a functional cyst that should go away. Dr B said that, obviously, the endo cyst won’t go away but it is semi-small and wouldn’t an obstacle to proceeding with IVF.  However, the combo of the functional cyst and the endometrioma are currently hogging up my right ovary and crowding out potential follicles.  It means that we can’t proceed w/ IVF until the functional cyst goes away.  There is a chance that it will go way by the start of my next cycle, in which case we will proceed as planned.  If not, we have to continue to delay IVF until the cyst resolves. In the meantime, they assured me that we would proceed with all the other baseline blood tests, mock transfers and so on, so that we would be ready to proceed either way.

This news brought me a flood of anxiety, frustration and tears.  This is not the end of the world but I hit a wall as I do from time to time in being patient with this process. I am so frustrated with the  obstacles. I’m frustrated that just when I think I am being as patient and hopeful and positive as I can possibly be, it’s not enough. Most of all, it was the endo cyst that put me over the edge.  I know that the endo is never fully gone, even post-lap. But, the development of a endo cyst means it is coming back sooner and more aggressively than I’d hoped. It’s like getting some creepy, threatening stalker note slid under my door, ‘I’M STILL HERE.’ Ugh. Today, I’m busy sulking.

I don’t want to be patient. I don’t want to be brave. I just want good news.

Go away, other cyst. Go away.

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Aaaannndd….. still going.

It’s the cycle that never ends. Still, no AF.  Baffling, but true. I even tested again today just to make triple sure (even though there was little doubt in my mind)-BFN again and again. I am anxious for CD1 to come so that I can officially feel like the page has turned.

The good news is that I have spent the whole week with Ruby and Rose and baby Gray and it is hard to feel too sad with so much loveliness and freaking cuteness around all the time.  It will be so hard when they go!

In the meantime, I also have this to re-read when I am in need of a giggle: ‘The Sperm Bike’. Oh, yes, it’s real. I had to share it with you guys. Why is Denmark always so ahead of the game? And where were these guys when all of you needed them??

It’s official.

Well, the blood test yesterday confirmed that IUI #3 was a bust.  It was no surprise but I was sadder than I expected to be.  I continue to convince myself that fearing the worst will somehow protect me from the inevitable angst I feel with each failure. It’s a constant juggling act trying to stay positive and hopeful but just self-protective enough to not feel devastated on a monthly basis. Moreover, each time I talk about this experience, I find myself cycling through the same litany of emotions, reactions, epiphanies and reflections. I craft like crazy (If I don’t get pregnant soon, this is in danger of turning completely into a craft blog). I wait.

But this time it’s different-we are officially moving onto a new chapter and ‘the big guns,’ as they say. I am still waiting for CD1 but once it comes the IVF mayhem begins.  The good news (and I do think it’s good news) is that my clinic does one cycle of monitoring, testing, and mock transfer to design my IVF protocol.  So, even though I will have plenty of dr appts, this month will be sort of a break which, frankly, I think I need. IVF-we’ve held it out as the final act in this drama and now we’re here.  All at once, I am thrilled that this is the thing that really might work and terrified that it won’t.  I can’t believe we’re here and I’ve been expecting it all along. And so on and so on.

This cycle can bite me.

It’s not over yet but it’s close.  CD 11. I tested yesterday-BFN-and, yes, I know it’s not over till it’s over but everything in my body seems to be pointing to AF, as usual. You all witnessed the serious grumps that happened around Clo.mid time. I had a brief springtime hiatus and then fell headlong into a hideous 2ww.  I had awful side affects from the the O.vidrel shot this month this month, too, and had dizziness, nausea, sore boobs, fatigue, aches for days after I triggered.  They finally wore off a few days ago and now I just have the cramping that tells me AF is coming.  It is insult to injury to have pregnancy side effects and still not be pregnant.  Argh. I am scheduled for my blood test on Monday which is also when I would expect my period to start so, we’ll see.

In the category of ‘things-that-outweigh-the grumps’, Ruby and Rose will be here in a few short hours (for a week!) and I will, finally, get to love on little Gray in person! Hooray! AND, my oldest friend popped out her beautiful, healthy little boy this week: Nico. Don’t you just love that name??

Finally, weather.com promises me this starting tomorrow: SUNSHINE and I. cannot. wait.

Springing forward.

I have spent the last few weeks in a deep funk feeling totally hopeless, overwhelmed by work stress and personally persecuted by the grey, drizzly world that is Portland weather in March.

But, now for April!  Round 3 was yesterday and I faced it with the same skepticism and cynicism I have felt about the first 2 until my Dr walked in! She is back! No more irritating NP.  I was so happy to see her that I forgot all about being cynical and started to feel hopeful.  She was upbeat, of course, about this IUI but also briefed me on the process for proceeding if this try does not work.  I am anxious but excited about the prospect of moving onto IVF, like there may be (heaven help me) an end in sight.

It’s still grey and drizzly but, in the mean time, things around me are blooming and I have already had my hands in the dirt…