Round and Round we go…

I started lightly spotting on Friday night and, for the briefest second, I got my hopes up that it might be implantation spotting because it was only 9dpo.  Sadly, Sat morning’s gush came with a vengeance and started the party all over again.  My luteal phase is ALWAYS 12days, it’s the only thing that has been consistent so either I ovulated when I thought I was ovulating (and not when I actually got the IUI) or my cycle is totally wonky because of the Clomid.  I feel pretty sure that both are strong possibilities and so did the doctor.

Either way, the clinic feels that 50mg was too small of a Clomid dose for me since I didn’t seem to really respond to it and their solution is to double the dose. Ugh. I am not looking forward to the coming days.  While I did fine on the actual days of taking Clomid, the hormonal changes later in my cycle have been a different story and I feel like crap.

It’s been such a struggle.  I know we all have our ways of coping-some ‘good,’ some ‘bad.’  I’ve always relied heavily on close friendships and creativity to get me through hard times. And food, but that’s another story.  In the last few years, I discovered that exercise worked for me too and, for the first time, I was actually able to manage anxiety, moods and general life stressors.  When my sister died in 2008, I ran a lot of miles to stay sane and exercise has been the thing that has gotten me through a slew of less than great luck since that time. But, since last fall, my normal routine and my ability to be physical has been severely impaired.  Between the pain I was having, my surgery, work, and then ensuing general crappiness, I haven’t been able to access that coping strategy.  In addition to gaining a ton of weight, I feel bloated most of the time. I am anxious and antsy but exhausted.  All this before I even get pregnant 🙂

whine whine whine. It’s a grumpy day.

The silver lining is the unexpectedly big tax return that M and I just learned that we will get this year. It will be a much needed boost though I am considering just having the IRS make the check out directly to Oregon Reproductive Medicine.  It’s probably easier to just cut out the middle man.





Let the tww commence

Clomid IUI #1: Check.

18+ million sperm in today’s sample.  I hear that’s a really good number 🙂

Not much to say today except that it’s done. The work day was long but I I think I did a good job keeping my body and mind stress-free. No crack house visit today after all! HOoray!

I’m staying positive about the possiblities but I’m so afraid to get my hopes up. It just boils down to that simple fact.  I feel very hopeful that IVF will work for me and I think, deep down, I’m convinced that nothing else will because of the endometriosis. I don’t mean to be negative and I spent a good amount of time this morning visualizing the sperm/egg fireworks with all the positive energy I could muster. But, here I am, staring down the barrel of the dreaded tww and trying to figure out the best way to get through it intact. Distraction, distraction, distraction? Of course.

Everything’s coming up triggers

The bullet I thought I dodged during my clomid trial seems to have boomeranged right back at me. I’ve been near tears on most days, often so quickly and without warning that I am taken off guard.

This weekend, against my better judgement, I googled myself into a total fit reading about stage iv endometriosis and infertility treatments.  Some lady somewhere asserted that Clomid makes endometriosis worse and someone else reiterated that IUIs are futile w/ endo and I was back on the anxiety horse, as it bucked and swayed, weighing financial risks and treatment course decisions and doctors’ advice. M came home to a trampled, soggy looking me. I’m back on my google abstinence plan again.

I read that the Clomid side effects happen when you are actually on the drug itself so I’m not sure what the hell is going on…

It could also very well be the pervasive and ever-mounting stress of my job in the last few months. Morale is so low there right now that we have lost 4 social workers in as many months.  The timing of my initiation into the fertility factory is poor, at best. Trying to juggle multiple RE appointments and remain calm in the midst of so much work chaos is proving to be even more difficult than expected.

Today, I was in a home visit feeling both anxious and guilty as I struggled to stay present for a dying patient while, simultaneously, worrying about making it to my RE appt and feeling convinced that I had already ovulated and we had missed my window.  Seriously?? Yuck.

But, I made it to the appt and heard good news: big fat follicle on the left ovary, healthy lining, time to schedule the insemination. Still no Lh surge, though, so they schooled me on the Ovidrel trigger-shot (that I am supposed to administer tonight) before scheduling my appt for Wed morning, taking half of my paycheck and sending me on my way. It was all fine and good and I should have felt excited and, instead, I felt dread. Really??

As as I walked out the door, my supervisor called me to tell me that they were scheduling me to admit a new patient this Wednesday (directly after my appointment) and they needed me to assess safety issues and appropriateness for care as the patient is an active meth user and lives in a drug house.  While this is would not be my dream visit ordinarily, I certainly am used to managing this type of visit without too much concern. But, as I hung up the phone, I tried to imagine rushing from my insemination appt to make it in time for my meth house home visit.  I promptly sat down in the hall and burst into crocodile tears then sobbed my way to the car to call M (who had a class today that was non-missable).

Oy. Such drama. Calm again now…