Another bust. Heavy sigh. Felt better about it yesterday but, today, not so much. I am hanging on to my ‘this is our plan for now’ mantra and it helps but, UGH.
Yesterday was my birthday and, incidentally, our first ride ‘back on the horse.’ Things seem smooth so far… Post cysts and major hippie-nutrition adjustments, my cycle seems pretty smooth. I have none of my usual crazy rollercoaster temps, just a smooth sail downwards towards ovulation with lots of fertile CM and all the rest. And, it seems like a good omen to have flaming fertile signs on your birthday, right? KD produced successfully and sufficiently so that, too, is a check in the ‘looking good’ column.
The only shadow on my hopes is that that I feel some of the same pelvic pressure/twinges that I did when the cysts were developing last time and worry that they will come back and crowd out my excited little egg. I also had the teeniest bit of spotting in my CM 2 days ago which is unusual for me. I know it can be normal pre-ovulation so I am choosing to focus my positive energy on, well, being positive.
To be honest, I have been avoiding the blogs a bit. I’m a circle-your-wagons, connect with your community kind of girl but, for some reason, with this issue, I find myself wanting to withdraw. It’s like getting my hopes up in a public way can, sometimes, make the disappointment sit heavier. I even get weird and superstitious as if talking about an attempt is sure to jinx it. Crazy, right? It lasts a few weeks and then I feel the pull of my natural instinct which is to connect with others, share experiences and support. I think it’s also that I got so down over the last couple months and really let my inner demons run free that it’s taken me a little while to rein them back in. And now, they are back to being locked far enough away that I only hear some faint rumbling now and again.
And so, I’ve been unusually calm and have approached this cycle with a laissez-faire that surprises me. I’m not sure what it is. It could just be that I have not had refined sugar or caffeine in 8 weeks (or gluten. or dairy.), God help me. Or, more likely, it is that I have reframed this journey in phases and M and I revisited our timeline. Currently, I am in the known donor, doing it at home phase and we have decided to let ourselves give that a solid try for a few more months before moving onto phase II. Giving myself permission to give myself time has been liberating for me. I can revisit my anxiety later, as needed.
So, 1 birthday insem? Check. 2nd attempt slated for tomorrow…