Another bust.

Another bust. Heavy sigh. Felt better about it yesterday but, today, not so much. I am hanging on to my ‘this is our plan for now’ mantra and it helps but, UGH.

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Birthday greetings

Yesterday was my birthday and, incidentally, our first ride ‘back on the horse.’  Things seem smooth so far… Post cysts and major hippie-nutrition adjustments, my cycle seems pretty smooth.  I have none of my usual crazy rollercoaster temps, just a smooth sail downwards towards ovulation with lots of fertile CM and all the rest. And, it seems like a good omen to have flaming fertile signs on your birthday, right?  KD produced successfully and sufficiently so that, too, is a check in the ‘looking good’ column.

The only shadow on my hopes is that that I feel some of the same pelvic pressure/twinges that I did when the cysts were developing last time and worry that they will come back and crowd out my excited little egg. I also had the teeniest bit of spotting in my CM 2 days ago which is unusual for me.  I know it can be normal pre-ovulation so I am choosing to focus my positive energy on, well, being positive.

To be honest, I have been avoiding the blogs a bit.  I’m a circle-your-wagons, connect with your community kind of girl but, for some reason, with this issue, I find myself wanting to withdraw.  It’s like getting my hopes up in a public way can, sometimes, make the disappointment sit heavier.  I even get weird and superstitious as if talking about an attempt is sure to jinx it. Crazy, right? It lasts a few weeks and then I feel the pull of my natural instinct which is to connect with others, share experiences and support. I think it’s also that I got so down over the last couple months and really let my inner demons run free that it’s taken me a little while to rein them back in. And now, they are back to being locked far enough away that I only hear some faint rumbling now and again.

And so, I’ve been unusually calm and have approached this cycle with a laissez-faire that surprises me.  I’m not sure what it is.  It could just be that I have not had refined sugar or caffeine in 8 weeks (or gluten. or dairy.), God help me. Or, more likely, it is that I have reframed this journey in phases and M and I revisited our timeline.  Currently, I am in the known donor, doing it at home phase and we have decided to let ourselves give that a solid try for a few more months before moving onto phase II.  Giving myself permission to give myself time has been liberating for me.  I can revisit my anxiety later, as needed.

So, 1 birthday insem? Check. 2nd attempt slated for tomorrow…