Day 12 is harder than Day 2

12 DPO. Today is the day I should get my period. This morning’s pregnancy test read ‘not pregnant.’  For the last few days, I’ve used the kind with the crazy-making lines.  You know, where you squint and hold it in 40 different lights to make sure you aren’t, in fact, hallucinating.  What’s strange is that, for 2 days in a row on that test, I got the faintest, hair-thin positive line.  M verified that it was there but it seemed so tenuous, neither one of us believed it meant anything.  Still, in combination with this week’s holy-moley-intense PMS symptoms, I had started to get my hopes up against my better judgment. But, today’s test was an ‘early testing’ digital pee stick (same brand as the other ones) and the ‘not pregnant’ seemed so absolute.

I know it’s still early and there’s still a chance. I know it’s only my first try.  I know I woke up feeling moody and disappointed and hormonal but I’m missing the hopefulness, possibility and excitement of day 2.  If my periods is coming, I wish it would come so I could just, you know, get ON with it….

Long absence followed by whiny rant… thanks for listening.

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Haven’t even made it one day into TWW….

…and I’m already impatient.  And so, I craft.  Lucky for me there are A LOT of gifts to be made these days.  The lighting in my kitchen is crappy but you get the picture…

Round 2

We were all slated for a second insemination today.  Since the OPKs have NEVER worked for me, I have just followed my other fertility signs and planned a few inseminations over a one-week window that seems right.  I can’t quite let the OPK’s go, though, so I have continued to use them but not let the repeatedly empty face get me down.  Yesterday afternoon, in a quiet lull at home, I gave it another shot.  Imagine my utter amazement when I came back into the bathroom to throw the stick away, per usual, and saw that ridiculous smiley face. I actually shrieked and dropped it.  Such drama, honestly.  Still, this means that after months of charting and seeing negative unpredictable signs about my fertility, my body is finally behaving in the ways it is ‘supposed to.’  It also means that I was right about my estimated window.

In a frenzy, I texted KD-Any chance you’re free tonight? Or now? Please?  Through a a series of texts, I detected some uncharacteristic resistance-having people over in an hour, blah blah blah. I  (semi-guiltily) pressured him until he relented and M set out to pick up round 2.  I thought, “Well, this is what he signed up for, after all.  I told him this kind of thing could happen.”  When M returned, she explained that KD and gf had been prepping for the dinner party AND in the middle of an argument (unrelated to us, thankfully). Oooops. Sorry guys.  This sample was a smaller, more watery ‘stress’ sample and I’m not sure what that means about the count, but I’m impressed he could deliver at all.  Hypothetically, if I do ovulate today, Friday night’s insemination could also possibly be relevant.

In went the cup and I lay with my legs on the wall for an hour and a half before getting up and going to see The Kids are Alright with two close friends, as previously planned. They laughed as I rode shotgun with my feet on the dashboard window.  They’re the kind of friends you can tell about your cervical cap full of sperm.

So, it looks like we went for 2 tries this cycle.  Temp rose this morning but we’ll see if that sustains.  And now we wait….

Trial Run

Semi-anonymity=candor and I love it.

I lost my TTC virginity last night.  But, I don’t feel any different today…  Where are the fireworks? The neon signs shouting, ‘You’ve done it!!!’  As I said earlier, I’ve got lots of fertile signs but I’m quite sure we were way too early. Still, it was a good test run for the next two tries and it can’t hurt.  Practice turned out to be helpful since it was a little more complicated than we anticipated. Not sure exactly which gear  you at-home-TTCers have used but we have this cervical cup with an attached tube.  The fluid gets injected into the tube and up into the cup where it sits until removed.  While that’s all very official, our donation receptacle is a 4 oz tupperware container upon which M has written KD’s name and drawn a target.

Here was the plan: In the interest of time, get all the gear in place first-that means cap on, me horizontal. M drives over to KD’s house at 6:30, delivers cup, waits in car, rushes home with cup in hand, inseminate immediately.

What happened: Gear in place, me horizontal, M w/ one foot out the door and text comes in saying KD is stuck in traffic, will be 45 mins late. Gear is not easy to get in and out comfortably, so in it stays. We laugh, tap our toes anxiously, start a movie for distraction.  As we sit there, best friend Rose calls and I’m dying to talk to her while we wait but feel just a little too wierd answering the phone. M heads back out to KD house, walks twice around the block with KD’s partner and is met by KD at the door, cup in hand.

M races home w/ cup in her lap, being sure to keep it warm-you know, body temp.  M, the gold star lesbian, who cannot get over having a cup of semen in her lap, calls me on the way, notes repeatedly, “I’m handling sperm. First. time. ever. It’s in my lap.’ I know, M, drive carefully but faster.

M bursts through the door, we open the cup and STOP in amazement at the amount. Seriously??? Way to go KD! It filled the 3 ml syringe!  I can’t help but think, ‘Darn, I bet there will be less on our next try, when it REALLY counts.’  I curse myself for my glass-half-empty mentality and focus… The gear made it easy-no spills, no goofs.

Then special, private time with M and Try #1 is over.  Just like that.

According to the directions, you are supposed to lay flat for 6-8 HOURS.  Since I’m rarely sick, I rather enjoyed the excuse to lay horizontally watching a marathon of movies and letting M wait on me 🙂  Still, as I lay there, I couldn’t help but wonder if this could really work. I mean it’s all so involved.  It’s hard to imagine doing this over and over and over though I’m sure we’ll get down quite a rhythm over the next several tries.

Ain’t no mountain high enough

First insemination day is Friday. Tomorrow! I am pretty sure it’s going to be a little on the early side but the luxury of having KD is that we can try more than once over the next week.  So, I figured, better to risk starting too early rather than too late.  As you can imagine, I have been doing my best to manage all my nervous excitement and preserve my best Zen baby-making state.

This past weekend, I agreed to go on a ‘big hike’ with a friend for some distraction and to channel some of that nervous energy.  The ‘big hike’ turned out to be summiting Mt Defiance, which is a training trail for those practicing to summit much bigger mountains.  My little distraction activity turned out to be a 12 mile, all-day adventure.  Six miles and 5000 ft straight up and six miles straight down.  The way down was so steep and slippery that I spent a good chunk of it sliding down on my bottom.  My friend, the marathon runner, was prepared for such an adventure but spent much of the hike remarking on how ‘surprisingly difficult’ it all was.   When we got back to the car, we laughed at our jello legs and how downright ferile we looked-dirt smudged faces, hair standing on end.  Still, it was just the distraction I’d hoped for and filled with breathtaking views of Mt St Helen’s, Mt Adams, Mt Hood and, even, Mt Rainier (which is far from Portland).  We picknicked at the top and stopped to cool ourselves off at a mountainside lake along the way.  We drove home with the kind of accomplishment that comes from physically beating the crap out of yourself all day.  I, briefly, worried it may delay my ovulation but instead chose to focus on my friend the acupuncturist’s reassurance that one intense day would do nothing more than get my liver chi flowing. Or something. It’s a good thing, that’s all I know.  Either way, distraction worked (even though it took me until Wednesday to walk down stairs without grimacing).   I’m feeling pretty calm and cool.

More, likely inappropriate, updates to follow VERY soon…

Biding my time in the best way I know how….

…which is, generally, to make stuff.  A lot of stuff. I’ve had jewelry phases and bookmaking phases, scrapbooking, sewing and knitting phases. I’ve had brief forays into ceramics and unfortunate incidents with mosaic glass objects. The list goes on and on… The constant theme is that crafting has always been a safe outlet, a meditative act I can hide in when everything else seems complicated.  Unsurprisingly, the crafts usually echo whatever is going on in my world. And, yes, big surprise, as I head towards ‘crafting my baby’ (chuckle, chuckle, snort), I am in baby-stuff crafting land.   Since there are so many new and *pending* babies in my life, I have had plenty of gift projects to focus on.  I’ve been pumping out knit hats like this one:

and, for the lovely Ruby and Rose, this ‘newborn ensemble’:

Then, today:

M and I have decided to name him ‘Raul’ but he’s more butch than he lets on.

After sewing on the second ear, I decided that I had made Raul just for us.  Bold move. I realize it may be a *little* creepy to make things for your as-yet unconceived child. But, I am continuing to challenge my cautious and self-protective semi-optimistic spirit. I am choosing to focus on the belief that whichever path our family-building journey takes, it will end with someone small to love Raul.