Relaxation (inset: panic)

AH yes, a weekend at the coast. It was the right decision and I don’t regret it. We arrived early Friday evening and set the stage for a weekend filled with distraction and, siiiiggghhh, relaxation. We sat out on the deck and watched the sun set over the water and haystack rocks in the distance and spent some much-needed time connecting. Lovely.

Inset: We awaken Saturday morning to administer my first Menopur shot.  We mix all the vials like pros, draw back the shot and slightly depress the plunger to make a small drop come out at the tip…. aaandddd out squirts a small fraction of the dose. Lost medication=PANIC. I panicked. Too early to call the clinic, we inject it anyway and wait.  As we wait for the clinic to open, I head to the kitchen and open the refrigerator door for a glass of juice.  I realize with horror that the temperature in the fridge has malfunctioned and the juice, along with all other liquids, have a thin veil of ice beginning to form.  I grab out the thousand or so dollars worth of f.ollistim and l.upron, both stamped clearly on the front with DO NOT FREEZE. Pharmacy is not. yet. open. Now, panic turns to near-hysteria as my capacity for tempering panic with reason these days is poor.  By the time we are able to talk with both the clinic and the pharmacy (a mere 15 minutes later), I am inconsolable.  I, luckily, pull it together enough to talk with both the clinic and the pharmacy so that I can hear their reassurances with my own ears: 1) The amount the squirted out of the Menopur was not enough to require using a whole new vial and small enough to not make too much of a difference. 2)  While the other liquids in the fridge had started freezing, the medications had not.  The pharmacist assured me, more than once, that unless the medication had actually frozen, it was fine to use. This was enough to  keep the panic at bay for the rest of the day but not enough to keep me from secretly obsessively worrying that both of these professionals were, clearly, not being hypervigilant enough and that my IVF cyle is now doomed.  What if the medication had started to freeze and I just didn’t see it? Whatifwhatifwhatif. I swear, I am not a lunatic.  It’s just that the amout of details involved in this process and the weight it all holds is enough to make anyone nuts. I also, clearly, have hormonal issues.

Deep breaths…. Breathe in peace and calm…breathe out stress and anxiety…breathe in peace and… Oh, forget it.

What saved the weekend, and my sanity, was the arrival of glorious weather and good friends. The early hours of Saturday morning unfolded into bright sunshine and deep blue skies which, in turn, opened the door for walks on the beach, dinner with our friends and giggles with their year-old daughter. Today’s meds, so far, have gone without a hitch.  Relaxation makes a comeback!

And now, pictures of the beach to keep me calm:

YEEEEEESSSSSSSSSSSSSS!!!!!!

WAY TO GO NEW YORK!!!!!!

Baby Steps

Well, today was our ‘suppression check.’  On the drive over to the clinic, I felt my pulse pick up and my anxiety spike since every appt feels progressively weightier and, at this point, I am always braced for bad news. I know, I know, that doesn’t help.  I repeated my new Alice Dolmar relaxation mantra: ‘Breathe in peace and calm, Breathe out stress and anxiety…’ and nearly rear-ended someone. So much for rush hour meditation.

Still, 20 mins and one dildocam later, we had good news! My u/s shows  12 follciles (6 on each side) that appear suppressed. While 12 is not an incredible number, it’s decent and definitely good for me.  Then, my bloodwork came back this afternoon with more good news! My estradiol levels are down at 18 which means those follicles are as they should be. I am officially suppressed, which means we have passed the first hurdle. Phew.

We start stims on Saturday and it looks like Dr B is feeling agressive because she upped my f.ollistim dose to 225 to start after wavering at 150 in the past few weeks.  She is pretty cautious and I trust her, so 225 it is.   I head back on Monday for my first stim check and then a few days after that to monitor follicle growth. In theory, we could trigger begining on 7/2 (day 8 of stims) but I was told that most of the time, the follicles aren’t big enough until at least day 10 of stims, which would mean a 4th of July trigger.  Talk about fireworks!

So, fingers crossed for happy follicle growth and no OHSS, please.

In the mean time, I ‘breathe in peace and calm…breathe out stress and anxiety…breathe in peace and calm…breathe out stress and anxiety…’

Thank you, SF Bay Guardian…

…for the following words from the stars:

SCORPIO

Oct. 23-Nov. 21

Deal with your anxieties by focusing on all the things you’re grateful for, no matter how small or big they are. You are going in the right direction, so don’t let your worries trip you up. Redirect your attention to the good stuff.

 

A rollercoaster? A seesaw? Call it what you will…

I use this one example to illustrate my precarious emotional state over the last week:

After a day spent feeling lethargic and mopey, I was suddenly motivated enough to agree to head out for some PRIDE festivities on Saturday night.  We met up with some friends and headed to the club for a big ‘ole gay dance party.  Upon arriving, infected by the excitement of the crowd and buoyed by good friends and my love of dancing, I was thrown into something approaching a manic frenzy.  We laughed and booty-shaked and, don’t get me wrong, I was having a great time.  Still, I liken my state more to a live wire flopping about spastically and dangerously than to a queer girl dancing her ass off, fueled by joy and PRIDE.  As the night progressed, that dance floor got more and more crowded and my feet, precariously squeezed into gold 3 inch heels (really?), started to blister and ache and that manic energy suddenly and unexpectedly soured.  While this should have been a minor revelation that led to an early departure or some hangout time on the patio, I was suddenly thrown into a claustrophobic panic which escalated rapidly when I couldn’t find M right away and remembered I had put both my keys and my phone in her pocket.  Like your favorite 3-year old, the fine line between fun and overstimulation dissolved rapidly and, ultimately, led to meltdown.  Suddenly, I had visions of being trapped there forever amidst the baby dykes, dancing bears and body odor unable to take off those horrible shoes for fear of broken toes.  By the time I made it to the patio and found M (really only about 5 minutes later), I was a wreck. 3 seconds within seeing her, I was in tears. Great, sobbing crocodile tears that didn’t abate with M’s long, reassuring hug and soothing, our walk to the car, or our drive home.  They stopped when they were darn well ready to stop, which was suddenly and without fanfare. Because this is my current ‘normal,’ and because there was nothing really to ‘talk about,’ we just moved on to the next thing.  Incidentally, the ‘next thing’ happened to be a big helping of M’s french toast at 1am, which probably helped the healing too.  To be clear, this is NOT my typical behavior and so I breathe…. and wait it through…

And… Action!

The IVF action has taken off.  It will be no surprise to most of you that I am still adjusting to my new full-time job/identity as ‘medication-taker.’  Holy Hell.  This is the last week of BCP, overlapped with the first week of L.upron, mixed in with a good dose of doxycycline (antibiotic) and dexamethasone (steroid) to boot, not to mention your baby aspirin/pre-natal/DHA cocktail.  The good news is all the injections throughout the cycle are subcutaneous, so no scary giant-needle butt shots.  M did the first shot yesterday ‘cuz I was feeling a little nervous, but tonight it felt like old hat.  The L.upron is pretty straight-forward since there is no complicated mixing involved.  Everything is taken in certain combos, at certain times of day, a certain amount of time from each other.  I have a written calendar, a pillbox and any number of alarm reminders. My cell phone doesn’t have enough alarms for all the separate reminders.

I can’t get a handle on how I feel just yet, mostly, I think, because I am feeling so many things at once. I feel generally calm, however, am simultaneously given to a short fuse and a few unpredictable moments of lability.   So far, it’s nothing I (and seemingly M) can’t handle.  Who knows if it’s nervous excitement, medications or both?   I am getting regular acupuncture and spending a lot of time in my garden. I’ve also been trying some relaxation exercises. God, I suck at those. I start listening to ocean noises and focusing on my breath and the next thing I know I’ve planned out my to-do list for the week and I’m back to chastising myself for forgetting to relax. Forget about yoga-then I have to worry about falling over while focusing on my breath. No, gardening works best for me.  I totally lose myself once I get digging.  Exercise would usually help but the clinic has told me to hold back from vigorous exercise for the next few weeks-something about the blood going to my uterus instead of my muscles.

I head in for my suppression check next week (around the time AF should come) and then, shortly after, add my stims to the mix: Folli.stim and M.enopur (to be exact).

In the mean time, I focus on staying r e l a x e d and try to believe that all of this will work.

Lastly, like most of you, I am thinking a lot about Pom and Tam and sending them lots of happy, healthy, healing wishes.

The Birth Control Makeover

Per usual, I am a responder when it comes to hormone-related medications.  Birth control pills have granted me a ‘spotty’ face (as my Irish friends would say) and GIGANTIC, enormous, monstrous boobs.  I am not sure if two mountains make a range, but it sure feels like I am looking down at the Andes.  While I know this is something one can expect with pregnancy, it’s hard to deal with in these uncertain pre-IVF days.  I also developed a lovely chest cold last week that has turned me into a hacking, snorting rattling mess.  I became deeply anxious over the past week when I was coughing up dark yellow/green looking things (sorry for the visual) and unable to sleep at night thanks to the coughing fits.  My only concern, of course, has been that, if I am sick, they will cancel my IVF cycle.  Still, I am feeling significantly better today and have noted, gratefully, that I am able to take deep breaths without coughing and things are running clearer.  I am not slated to even begin meds until a week from now so I think (knockonwoodIbetternotbejinxingmyself) everything will be fine.

We got more good news in the form of another scholarship earned by M. Hooray!  This scholarship came from a local well-established design firm with some major clients.  We don’t know the scholarship amount yet but the connection with the agency, as well as the extremely positive feedback they gave M about her work, are worth their weight in gold.  They called her personally, invited her to tour their agency and encouraged her in her pursuits.  It could be a great contact for her, maybe even a possible internship-all things that lend themselves toward a someday job in her new field.  Best of all, it is another great affirmation for M that taking a risk and going back to school and pursuing this path was the right thing to do.

Every little bit of good news that trickles in makes me feel like, maybejustmaybe, our luck is turning around. That, and summer has finally arrived in the Pacific Northwest! All that warmth and sunshine just makes the world seem hopeful.

Moving right along.

So far, so good.  I went in for a baseline u/s on Monday (CD2) and learned that 1) my small endometrioma did not grow this month 2) I have no new cysts 3) I have 10-12 follicles.  So, all in all, it was good news and we were given the first green light.  It’s a little anti-climactic as this green light really just means 3 weeks of birth control before all the action starts-we are on an ‘overlap’ protocol (vs a f’lash’ protocol), which I believe references the overlap of the birth control trial with the beginning of the Lupron.  We start the rest of the meds on June 13th. Still, it’s the first step in the process and it means we’re. on. our. way.

The clinic actually mandates a little class for all IVF candidates and, while I was skeptical at first, M and I actually found it really helpful.  The clinic staff give a really thorough presentation of the process and all the medications, along with how to mix and administer the injections.  Everyone has their personal calendar as a reference and it was a nice forum for asking general questions and clarifying info, particularly about the meds.

The meds: Wow. I had a sense of what to expect (thanks to all of you) but I find myself still a little shocked every time I review the long list of crap that one must fill themselves with as part of this process. It’s a bit overwhelming. Not to mention the cost… Sadly, I did not qualify for the Compassionate Care program at the drug company which would have covered a lot of my meds.  M and I were just outside the income guidelines, which is especially frustrating because they only base it on last year’s tax returns. Not an accurate picture of our current situation. Argh. Still, the nurse coordinator at the clinic has been wonderful and continues to search out various coupons for free follistim cartridges and so on.  She also said the clinic will accept medication donations and that she would put an APB for any that came in. Every little bit helps, that’s for sure. She snuck in a reference to her lady partner this last visit which made me love her more (not that it should matter, of course).

Overall, I am hanging out in the positive zone. I spent the weekend at a cabin with friends and spent a full day soaking in hot springs and natural saunas and reading by the river.  M’s birthday party is this weekend and we will celebrate with lots of friends, rollercoasters, marscapone cake and karaoke.  I am Alice Domar’s book (shout out to you Boston IVFers) which is very very very hetero-focused but does have some helpful tools/reminders related to relaxation and mindfulness.

And now, I give you the muppets for this month’s inspiration and giggles…

‘Moving right along in search of good times and good news/

With good friends you can’t lose/

This could become a habit/

Opportunity knocks once, let’s reach out and grab it/

Together we’ll nab it…’ la, la, la, la, la!

In the mean time…

If nothing else comes out of this journey, I have become incredibly proficient at whipping out baby gifts for the many, many, many babies in my life.  At the urging of a few of those giftees (especially the fabulous libberal  and ruby and rose), I have-rather self-consciously-made a little Etsy shop to hock my wares.  At times, I feel a little bit creepy that my shop consists of baby things when I am so, sorely, lacking a baby.  Also, I feel that the title, ‘lovely panoply,’ leaves me with options for when my crafting migrates in new directions (as it always does.)

Unsurprisingly, Etsy has a wee bit of learning curve so my shop is bit barebones at the moment.  I’m also working on rigging a lightbox of some sort so that I can get better pictures of my items at home. Still, I am proud of myself for managing to get it rolling at all. If you have the time and inclination, please check it out.  I’m very open to feedback about price, designs, etc.

SO, without further ado, I give you  lovely panoply…

Warning… It’s a long one.

It’s not that anything has changed, per se, but I have spent the last few days gluing myself back together and am, tentatively, feeling less shattered.  Back out from under my covers, I was able to talk in depth with M, explore my options with OHSU and, finally, talk with my Dr at ORM (who I love).

What I learned is:

1) OHSU does have national shared risk programs for which I may very well be eligible. However, the price tags for the programs are exorbinant and, upon inspection, not a very good deal.  A friend directed me to this site: www.sart.org and I learned that ORM’s success rates are, literally, 20% higher than OHSU and ahead of many clinics in the country.  I researched further and found out that ORM’s embryology lab is advanced for the field, which is probably one of the reasons their rates are so high.  So, in essence, I could pay more and be insured for more cycles but also be much more likely to need them at OHSU.  While this doesn’t take away the financial stress, it does help instill me with further confidence in my clinic, which helps a lot.

2)  We had a long talk with my parents who have been very supportive and become very emotionally invested in this process with us.  They are not financially in a position to throw money away either but they are able to help a bit and want to do so.  I feel the same sickness about wasting their resources if this doesn’t work, but having a little cushion takes away my deep anxiety about depleting our entire safety net in the middle of a somewhat financially unstable part of our lives.

3) I had a long talk w/ Dr B who I trust a great deal and who always takes the time to talk with me very directly and explain things thoroughly.  She explained that AMH is an indicator of antral follicle count/ovarian reserve.  It is a fairly new measure in the field but they believe it is a strong predictor and so use it as part of their standard measure for the shared risk program (along with the typical other measures).  The range is from 0 to 2.5 (with 2.5 being a gazillion eggs).  For someone my age, 1 would be normal level and, while .73 is not great, it is good enough. My follicle count has been 10-12 which is fine. She reiterated that she thinks I have very good chances for success and acknowledged that the parameters for the program are ridiculously high. Okay, she didn’t say ridiculously (but I did) .

4) I was reminded that, assuming we get enough eggs (which is a big IF), we could follow a fresh cycle with a FET which would be affordable.  So, there could potentially be 2 tries, not just one.

5) Long state of the union talk with M. We are both committed to moving forward and taking a leap of faith which is something that doesn’t come easily to either of us. I am deeply thankful that we have managed to stay connected and close through this process.  That feeling reassured me that we will continue to face this together, whatever comes, baby or no baby.

All this to say, we are holdingourbreathfingerscrossedeyessqueezedshut and leaping…